Past
When I think about the past, I see that I've always been a big fan of tenderness. Passing most of my childhood time alone had a great effect. I was one of those shy, quiet types and I was thinking all the time. My imagination was really wild. And I've spend most of it on forbidden temptation during teenage years.
Women clothes were a matter of tenderness for me too. When one comes around the sexual differences at first step, clothing is just one big clue. Specially when it comes to underwear. I mostly understood the tenderness and difference of the female body by observing the differences in clothes. May be because I live in a country which sexpression wasn't something accepted on that time. So I've known there was something secret about the female body. The question I would find its answer in porn.
At first stage, crossdressing happened to me as a curiosity to feel the foretold difference and to know more about it which came with a special feeling of being body-conscious. When I was 13 or 14, I knew everything about sex and even much more about perversion. It was the time I've crossdressed for the first time. Lacking enough contacts with the opposite gender with all that knowledge I've gathered about sex in my mind, it was hard to stay away. Now, I've known everything and was time to move forward. The curiosity gives place to a passion for adventure. This would bring me to the second stage, which is mixing crossdressing with my solo plays. This period is the most turbulent phase. My fantasies gone wild. I've always had a tendency toward my mother in my fantasies. And though adventurous, it was bitter and forbidden, too. It was really crazy and mindrocking and the same time bitter and horrible. All theses extremes were projected directly into my fantasies. It's quite hard to say. Then comes the guilty feelings, that even now I can't escape of it. Because of this feeling of guilt, fantasies would change. I would pay the price for the horrible thing I've done in fantasy. Later, when I've moved away from my parents house, the fantasy ended up in something completely different from where it was started. In this period I was deep into porn, specially BDSM. I've had a background of everlasting guilt which made me a perfect masochist. So it came out to be self-torture for me.
The last fantasy about my mother was something really bizarre and I really can't dare to put it here. Its damn bizarre. By the way, to give you a picture, it was a fantasy ended up with me death and her pregnancy from me. May be it was some kind of rebirth as another child to be a better child for her, say less pervert. The third phase is somehow about accepting myself as a crossdresser, or someone who likes to dress occasionally, even if very rare. I've never told my girlfriends about these, because they weren't open enough about sexuality to discuss sexual adventures like this. By now, I'm just coming out of another love failure and I am really in need to write and more in need to hear from people who is reading my notes. I'm tired of being alone and having too much too hide.
