Not Sure Yet
I'm not sure about many things yet. Most of the things related to my sexuality. Those red lines of taboo; being gay or being straight, male and female. I want to find out wheter crossdressing is something essential for me or just another trick to your body to make it enjoy more. I've still a virgin. As time passes I think I'd stay one for quite a while without wanting it.
So masturbation would play a great role here when you are alone, single, porn-orineted mind and of course horny. I spend lots of time and energy on self-plasure that sometimes, I think, is ruining my life in a way.
When I think about the very begining of my puberty, I only remember it starting with porn. We were the first generation of iranian youth highly porn-exposed because of the PCs being out there and available in early 90s and the internet crawling in during these decade. So my generation was the first generation of digital porn-watchers. Before that it was video-tapes for sure, but the watching habits are quite different and so the variety. It was all vanila on video tapes, but the internet changed the way people thought about the dark sides of desire. No one though t that there would be Yahoo! chat rooms created by iranians about inc3st, swinging and BD5M. Internet let everyone see the real society layers beneath the surface. That wasn't all because of porn that the people are getting pervy (what's pervy anyway?). It's because of the net.
I could have been celebrating my 10 years of porn anniversary. I don't wheter this way good and fantastic or sick and devastating. Porn was the journey into the land of unknown and forebidden to know more about the geometry of human body and the pleasure. The whole thing was something unique and challenging. It changes the underlying layers of thinking and life philisophy without you know about the change. Man is a sexual being and porn is the drug of the ego. It shapes.
I've learnt alot about many things just because I was curious about porn. I've learn't about BD5M first and I've lead to Marquis De Sade, then. Never heard anything from him before. I've seen the Gothic cult and fashion as trends in softcore porn and I found out about Gothic literary tradition and music as well as clubbing, cult, fashion and Satanism.
That was a journey for itself, not bad, not good, just unique. I guess as you go forward in the road you would be more far and distant from absolute answers. You learn relativity, you learn to forget about the gender role, etc.
You became less sure about the solid, monolithic thinking. But one should take care not give up real life to fantasies. That's the pitfall I'm trying to escape. I may need psychotherapy, anti-depressents, electroshocks or whatever, but I think I should handle it myself; wheter call it pervy, sick, anything. That's my life.
