Persian Crossdresser Diary
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Purged!
I've purged! I know it's all wrong,but the contradiction between the sense of shame and the desire to do it was far more than my thresholds, the sense of isolation that having a secret like this brings. in my country there are only few people who can accept you this way and that's damn horrible.you can't trust anyone.
anyway, I don't know if once again I would start CDing or not.I really don't know.I haven't come to terms with crossdressing and my sexuality.I'm sure that purging was not the best way, it's only a way to stop and think about what's going on in your mind.all that I know is I want to be accepted for both sides of me.
I try to come out of my isolation a little bit,coming out to the real world.the world of fantasy would be on my mind......and I'd keep writing here.I'll be ok.
anyway, I don't know if once again I would start CDing or not.I really don't know.I haven't come to terms with crossdressing and my sexuality.I'm sure that purging was not the best way, it's only a way to stop and think about what's going on in your mind.all that I know is I want to be accepted for both sides of me.
I try to come out of my isolation a little bit,coming out to the real world.the world of fantasy would be on my mind......and I'd keep writing here.I'll be ok.
Monday, May 29, 2006
For joy
Recently I like to wander around and see pictures of transvestites on the usenet.Commercial and pro pr0n is doesn't make that much sense for me anymore.There's something in the picture of CDs on the usenet which never can be found in pr0n.Some can call them homemade pr0n,but I see more.Sense of enthusiasm which even can show itself in not being girlie enough.The most important thing is the people who put these photos on like to share something very very private which was enjoyable for them.This make it humanly and sweet,even unshaved bodies and pixelated faces.All of these gives me a sense of been-there-done-that which is cool.They do crossdress for the fun of it and I like that.I myself am never good enough to take photos of myself and put them online,but sometimes I really enjoy dressing because of the powerful feeling of that.
I could put some of the usenet photos here,but I don't want this blog get blocked in iran so I just mention the link to the groupwhere you can find the pictures.
I could put some of the usenet photos here,but I don't want this blog get blocked in iran so I just mention the link to the groupwhere you can find the pictures.
New pieces I bough
I haven't write anything here for a while. May be not having anything worth writing. I got my first bra-panties set now. I bought them online. If I was to buy these at a store or something, I would never had them.I've bough a pair of stokings too;black thigh-highs and a garter belt.That's it.My collection of clothes no includes a night gown,a pantyhouse,a set of bra and panties,a pair of stocking and garter belt.
I've never worn a garter belt ;) and adjusting the straps was a whole new experience and feeling.Anyway,the bra was the most important for me.I like the way a bra feels when worn.
I've never worn a garter belt ;) and adjusting the straps was a whole new experience and feeling.Anyway,the bra was the most important for me.I like the way a bra feels when worn.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Netiquette: Dress Different
I've been to Siobhan blog through direct URL today. I tell you this because I've always been checking the RSS feeds. Though, a two sentence abstract never been enough for me, but lack of time I have to decide from the title which of the posts in different blogs I want to read. So that was only by chance to be there directly via URL.
And lemme tell you, some blogs, like hers should be experienced in first kind of direct encounter (the second and the third accordingly would be RSS and email alerts). As a reward for wandering around, I've found this nice image; Siobhanian tribute to Apple way of putting things together.
I've been to Siobhan blog through direct URL today. I tell you this because I've always been checking the RSS feeds. Though, a two sentence abstract never been enough for me, but lack of time I have to decide from the title which of the posts in different blogs I want to read. So that was only by chance to be there directly via URL.
And lemme tell you, some blogs, like hers should be experienced in first kind of direct encounter (the second and the third accordingly would be RSS and email alerts). As a reward for wandering around, I've found this nice image; Siobhanian tribute to Apple way of putting things together.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Zoe
I came around Zoe weblog from TG-Blogs, a tg blog directory which I guess it's managed by Zoe. She is a German tg-girl. She was kind to me to write a post about my blog. Also, I really enjoy visiting her flicker page. Your hot Zoe!
Iranian blogs
I've promised to do a round-up of Iranian blogs related to sexuality. I've done a little bit of searching for this. But haven't found anything worth translating. Matter of fact search engine result is populated with cheap sex blogs and site which only feature lousy erotic stories and pictures. Finding a good blog related to sex in Persian seems quite hard. Also, I havent found any TG/TV blog among Iranian blogs.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
New Year and New Ideas
Merry Christmas and happy new year! I wish you all a happy winter and a very good year. I have a new idea about blogs and blogging. It's mainly a project about Iranian LGBT blogs and may be erotic blogs. Matter of fact, I've seen that most of Iranian blogger write in Persian and specially all of sexuality related Iranian blogs are in Persian. So to non-Persian speakers to get a glimpse of what's happening in this field, I've decided to do a monthly (or even weekly) roundup about these blogs, translating a few pieces and etc. The rounup would surely cover LGBT blogs, but I'm not sure about erotic or p0rn ones.
Let me know your opinion, what do you like to know about Iranian blogs?
Let me know your opinion, what do you like to know about Iranian blogs?
Monday, November 07, 2005
Not Sure Yet
I'm not sure about many things yet. Most of the things related to my sexuality. Those red lines of taboo; being gay or being straight, male and female. I want to find out wheter crossdressing is something essential for me or just another trick to your body to make it enjoy more. I've still a virgin. As time passes I think I'd stay one for quite a while without wanting it.
So masturbation would play a great role here when you are alone, single, porn-orineted mind and of course horny. I spend lots of time and energy on self-plasure that sometimes, I think, is ruining my life in a way.
When I think about the very begining of my puberty, I only remember it starting with porn. We were the first generation of iranian youth highly porn-exposed because of the PCs being out there and available in early 90s and the internet crawling in during these decade. So my generation was the first generation of digital porn-watchers. Before that it was video-tapes for sure, but the watching habits are quite different and so the variety. It was all vanila on video tapes, but the internet changed the way people thought about the dark sides of desire. No one though t that there would be Yahoo! chat rooms created by iranians about inc3st, swinging and BD5M. Internet let everyone see the real society layers beneath the surface. That wasn't all because of porn that the people are getting pervy (what's pervy anyway?). It's because of the net.
I could have been celebrating my 10 years of porn anniversary. I don't wheter this way good and fantastic or sick and devastating. Porn was the journey into the land of unknown and forebidden to know more about the geometry of human body and the pleasure. The whole thing was something unique and challenging. It changes the underlying layers of thinking and life philisophy without you know about the change. Man is a sexual being and porn is the drug of the ego. It shapes.
I've learnt alot about many things just because I was curious about porn. I've learn't about BD5M first and I've lead to Marquis De Sade, then. Never heard anything from him before. I've seen the Gothic cult and fashion as trends in softcore porn and I found out about Gothic literary tradition and music as well as clubbing, cult, fashion and Satanism.
That was a journey for itself, not bad, not good, just unique. I guess as you go forward in the road you would be more far and distant from absolute answers. You learn relativity, you learn to forget about the gender role, etc.
You became less sure about the solid, monolithic thinking. But one should take care not give up real life to fantasies. That's the pitfall I'm trying to escape. I may need psychotherapy, anti-depressents, electroshocks or whatever, but I think I should handle it myself; wheter call it pervy, sick, anything. That's my life.
So masturbation would play a great role here when you are alone, single, porn-orineted mind and of course horny. I spend lots of time and energy on self-plasure that sometimes, I think, is ruining my life in a way.
When I think about the very begining of my puberty, I only remember it starting with porn. We were the first generation of iranian youth highly porn-exposed because of the PCs being out there and available in early 90s and the internet crawling in during these decade. So my generation was the first generation of digital porn-watchers. Before that it was video-tapes for sure, but the watching habits are quite different and so the variety. It was all vanila on video tapes, but the internet changed the way people thought about the dark sides of desire. No one though t that there would be Yahoo! chat rooms created by iranians about inc3st, swinging and BD5M. Internet let everyone see the real society layers beneath the surface. That wasn't all because of porn that the people are getting pervy (what's pervy anyway?). It's because of the net.
I could have been celebrating my 10 years of porn anniversary. I don't wheter this way good and fantastic or sick and devastating. Porn was the journey into the land of unknown and forebidden to know more about the geometry of human body and the pleasure. The whole thing was something unique and challenging. It changes the underlying layers of thinking and life philisophy without you know about the change. Man is a sexual being and porn is the drug of the ego. It shapes.
I've learnt alot about many things just because I was curious about porn. I've learn't about BD5M first and I've lead to Marquis De Sade, then. Never heard anything from him before. I've seen the Gothic cult and fashion as trends in softcore porn and I found out about Gothic literary tradition and music as well as clubbing, cult, fashion and Satanism.
That was a journey for itself, not bad, not good, just unique. I guess as you go forward in the road you would be more far and distant from absolute answers. You learn relativity, you learn to forget about the gender role, etc.
You became less sure about the solid, monolithic thinking. But one should take care not give up real life to fantasies. That's the pitfall I'm trying to escape. I may need psychotherapy, anti-depressents, electroshocks or whatever, but I think I should handle it myself; wheter call it pervy, sick, anything. That's my life.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Her Last Visit
I exactly remember the last time my ex-girlfriend came over to my house. It was the time before the last time we met. She had her exams coming and needed my help. She wore a camisole and trousers. Her arms and shoulders were visible to me, with all its whiteness and freshness. At first she was ashamed of these parts being visible. Though we were together for last four years but I’ve never seen her naked of made love to her. Most of our relation was spent on the phone, because of me being away in another city for the sake of my school. By the way, her bra straps were visible. She wore a light red colored bra. “What a contradiction!” I thought to myself, red bra and shyness.
We’ve started to study. I’ve put my hand around her. I really wanted to touch her that day. It was four years of waiting for something to happen and it never had. A year ago I’ve found out she has cheated but I’ve1 kept the relationship intact because of my deep affection. And she was in my arms after all these. I was sure that this relationship was near its end and I can’t hide that I wanted her badly. I wanted sex.
She wasn’t responding to my caressing. I started playing with her bra straps on her shoulder and fondling her hair and at the same time I had to answer her questions about the thing we were studying together. I had a hard-on as soon as I touched her bra straps. The contrast between her body and the straps was driving me crazy. I’ve worn bras myself and they have always been my favorite piece of lingerie. I knew the feeling of a hand playing with the straps (though my own hand) and surely my girl knew what does it mean. Her breasts’ globes were visible from my view angle.
But she didn’t respond in any way. I didn’t want to force her to it. I’m not that type. I’ve waited all these years to come near to her. And she was not interested at the time I’ve managed to get close. I’ve tried many things to get her going, but no chance. The only good feeling that day was caressing and fondling her feet. I’ve took those wonderful feet in both of my hand, rubbing and enjoying the feeling. I really liked to lick those toes.
Later that day, I’ve came up with a conversation about why she refuses the cuddling or shows no response. She told that the feeling wasn’t right with her. She told me she never had an orgasm. I couldn’t believe this by the way.
When her new boyfriend called her on the cell, she just jumped in the room, closed the door, took off the camisole and wore her dress (usually long dress Iranian woman wear on all their clothing when coming out) over her breasts and the red bra covering them. Then she left.
It was the last time, I’ve seen her indoor. We had another bitter meeting after that and we spitted up on our fourth anniversary. I’ve never known why she couldn’t stay with me, why she doesn’t like cuddling and sex and…
I’ve never found the opportunity to be open to her about my cross-dressing. Today she is still in my fantasies. When I’m sitting and masturbatin9 to shema1e pictures on the web, I found similarities in their faces with my ex-lover’s face. My mind is torturing me in this way.
We’ve started to study. I’ve put my hand around her. I really wanted to touch her that day. It was four years of waiting for something to happen and it never had. A year ago I’ve found out she has cheated but I’ve1 kept the relationship intact because of my deep affection. And she was in my arms after all these. I was sure that this relationship was near its end and I can’t hide that I wanted her badly. I wanted sex.
She wasn’t responding to my caressing. I started playing with her bra straps on her shoulder and fondling her hair and at the same time I had to answer her questions about the thing we were studying together. I had a hard-on as soon as I touched her bra straps. The contrast between her body and the straps was driving me crazy. I’ve worn bras myself and they have always been my favorite piece of lingerie. I knew the feeling of a hand playing with the straps (though my own hand) and surely my girl knew what does it mean. Her breasts’ globes were visible from my view angle.
But she didn’t respond in any way. I didn’t want to force her to it. I’m not that type. I’ve waited all these years to come near to her. And she was not interested at the time I’ve managed to get close. I’ve tried many things to get her going, but no chance. The only good feeling that day was caressing and fondling her feet. I’ve took those wonderful feet in both of my hand, rubbing and enjoying the feeling. I really liked to lick those toes.
Later that day, I’ve came up with a conversation about why she refuses the cuddling or shows no response. She told that the feeling wasn’t right with her. She told me she never had an orgasm. I couldn’t believe this by the way.
When her new boyfriend called her on the cell, she just jumped in the room, closed the door, took off the camisole and wore her dress (usually long dress Iranian woman wear on all their clothing when coming out) over her breasts and the red bra covering them. Then she left.
It was the last time, I’ve seen her indoor. We had another bitter meeting after that and we spitted up on our fourth anniversary. I’ve never known why she couldn’t stay with me, why she doesn’t like cuddling and sex and…
I’ve never found the opportunity to be open to her about my cross-dressing. Today she is still in my fantasies. When I’m sitting and masturbatin9 to shema1e pictures on the web, I found similarities in their faces with my ex-lover’s face. My mind is torturing me in this way.
